Monster Con/Script

Monster Con
Episode 13
Season	1
Episode	13
Year	2005

Characters

• Juniper Lee
• Jasmine Lee
• Ray Ray Lee
• Monroe
• H.A.M. - Humans for the Abolishment of Magic/Humans Against Magic (debut)
• Lex (debut)

Transcript

Intro

(Episode starts at night with Juniper walking in the park, talking to Jasmine on her phone.)

Juniper Lee: What? I have to give a speech?

Jasmine Lee: (through the phone) Oh, don't worry. There shouldn't be more than a thousand guests?

Juniper Lee: A thousand?! Ah-Mah! Look, I'm alright standing in front of people with a guitar slung around me, but a speech? (A mysterious figure passes by) Do I have to?

Jasmine Lee: It is the Magical Convergence, Juniper! The Te Xuan Ze must address a gathering.

Juniper Lee: But you're a Te Xuan Ze, too. And you've got experience: the years of practice, the knowledge, a lack of throwing up in front of large groups. (a pair of blue eyes appear in the bushes)

Jasmine Lee: (through the phone) You know I am retired.

Juniper Lee: Yeah, but Ah-Mah, I've only been at this whole battling-the-evil thingies for a little while. I'm still a rookie.

(A minotaur comes charging behind her, but she punches it in the nose and jumps away from it)

Juniper Lee: Yeah, bring it on, you big rib roast! This isn't my first time at the rodeo!

(The minotaur charges towards her, but Juniper jumps and grabs it's blazer as it charges into an orange tree. Juniper holds the blazer up like a cape up for the minotaur as it shakes the oranges off itself and charges towards her, but it hits on something hard, leaving him unconscious, in which Juniper reveals a big rock behind the blazer and drops the blazer on the minotaur)

Juniper Lee: Yep, a classic, but it gets them every time.

Jasmine Lee: (appears above Juniper on the rock) Huh, pretty good for the rookie. That's one unconscious side of beef.

Juniper Lee: Wh-- that? (chuckles) Are you kidding me? He slipped, and I'm pretty sure he has bronchitis.

Jasmine Lee: No. In very little time, you have become an extremely adept warrior.

Juniper Lee: Yeah, well you could have helped out a little.

Jasmine Lee: Juniper, it's not my job anymore, it's yours. Need I remind you that I'm really, really old? Besides, I just had my nails done.

Juniper Lee: Well, I wouldn't want the forces of darkness to get in the way of your manicure. (walks with Ah-Mah)

Jasmine Lee: Oh, you ain't kidding. These are French wrapped.

(Cue the theme song)

The Magical Convergence

(The next day, Juniper and Jasmine are walking on a hill with Ray Ray and Monroe)

Jasmine Lee: Every year, the most powerful, enchanted creatures of the known realms, all of these monsters and demons put aside their differences and come together for three days for the Magical Convergence.

Ray Ray Lee: Oh, dude, are you kidding me? The all-star game for monsters? Are we here to, you know, seek the peace, pack a few demon skulls if anyone gets out of line? (laughs)

Monroe: You really have no idea how short you are, do you?

Jasmine Lee: Juniper is here to address this collection of magical elite as the mystical ambassador of our world. It is a vital component in maintaining peace. Plus, I'm sick of doing it.

Juniper Lee: (dryly) Nice.

Jasmine Lee: I don't mean to make light of this event, Juniper. (takes out a stone) It is a hallowed gathering. (turns the stone to reveal a magic door) For nearly a millennium, the greatest of all magic wielders and the most formidable mystical beings, they join together. This place is one of great honor and wisdom. (opens the door to reveal the a monster convention called Monster Con where the magical community are gathering and buying stuff)

T-Shirt Seller: T-shirts! Get your Monster Con t-shirts right here! Multiple sizes and multiple armholes!

Juniper Lee: Oh, you gotta be kidding.

Jasmine Lee: Hey, don't complain. Last year, they held it in the Underworld. The whole joint stunk like a monkey barbecue.

Monster Greeter: May I direct you to the registration area for your topas, names and badges, thank you. Welcome one and all to Monster Con 985, it's now terrific.

Juniper Lee: (walks to the registration area) Um, hi. Yeah, I'm Lee, first name Juniper.

Check In Monster: (checks through the name list) Lee, Lee, Lee. Hmm, I don't see any. Are you sure you reserved an attendance badge?

Juniper Lee: Uh, well, it might be under, um, I don't know, Te Xuan Ze.

Check In Monster: Oh, the Te Xuan Ze. Yeah, sure. Artie, the Te Xuan Ze is here!

(Arthur Pettiman, a blue horned monster, comes and shakes hands with Juniper)

Arthur Pettiman: Juniper Lee! Hello, I'm Arthur Pettiman, Monster Con guest coordinator. I'll be your handler throughout the entire convention. (takes out a scroll) Well, we've got a full schedule for you.

Juniper Lee: I thought I was just giving a speech?

Arthur Pettiman: Well, that's just your first lecture. Then there's the new mixer, the new exhibit, then the group panel on Fighting Magic with Magic, and then we... (gasps as he sees Jasmine behind a column) Good heavens, that's Jasmine Lee!

Jasmine Lee: And here we go. Hello. How are you?

Arthur Pettiman: (comes over to Jasmine and shakes hands with her) I'm fine! Oh, my gosh! Oh, dear me! Oh, I can't believe I'm standing here talking to Jasmine Lee! (as other monsters gather around Jasmine Lee) My cousin saw you fight nine Bucktar trolls. He said you hit one so hard that it was spitting up like a gallon of hemlock jelly!

Jasmine Lee: Oh, sounds familiar.

Arthur Pettiman: I'm terribly sorry, pardon me. I don't mean to geek out on you (laughing as he takes out his camera) but I just can't believe I'm talking to Jasmine Lee! Oh, oh, oh! (gives his camera to Juniper and places her in front of him and Jasmine) Could I just get a quick snapshot with you? Please, just... Oh, I'm truly sorry, really, really sorry, would mean so much.

Jasmine Lee: No, that's fine. (Juniper takes the picture)

Ray Ray Lee: Wow! Since when did Ah-Mah become such a rock star?

Monroe: Don't be daft. Your grandmother was one of the most successful Te Xuan Zes ever to bear the mental. She is a legend.

Juniper Lee: Well, if Ah-Mah was such hot stuff, why is it on me to take care of business?

Red Monster Fan: (as Jasmine is signing on the back of a brown monster) You rock, Jasmine! Ya hear me?! ROCK!!!

Jasmine Lee: Thank you, I try. Thanks, thank you. (walks to Juniper) Okay, I'm outta here.

Juniper Lee: What? Ah-Mah, you're just gonna leave me? (sighs) It's like a Star Trek convention for monsters.

Jasmine Lee: You'll be fine. If I stay here, we won't able to walk five feet without being mobbed.

Juniper Lee: Yeah, I noticed. You're like Elvis coming back to Graceland.

Jasmine Lee: That's why I have to go. The community of magic has to see that you are the protector now. Have fun, be good and don't let Ray Ray or Monroe eat chocolate.

(Ray Ray and Monroe are seen eating chocolate as Jasmine leaves and two mysterious figures are standing)

Mysterious Figure: (speaking through his bracelet) Sir, Jasmine Lee is leaving the facility. Should we detain her?

Mysterious Leader: Negative. We're not in position. We'll have to come back for her later. Proceed to checkpoints.

Mysterious Figure: Yes, sir.

Juniper's Speech

(Fade to Exhibit Hall A117 where Juniper is giving her speech)

Juniper Lee: But we all must strive to, um, continue on the road to good magic. Because if we, uh, if we deviate from the path of, you know, the goodness we will find ourselves up to our armpits in the evil stuff, and we can't have that, can't we? (chuckles) Thank you.

(The audience stays silence as one audience is heard clapping)

Monroe: Well, I suppose it could be going worse.

Ray Ray Lee: Yeah, she could puke or set her hair on fire.

Juniper Lee: Oh, uh, now, um, I'm told we have some time, so, well if any of you have any questions, I'd be happy to... (a two-headed geek monster raises it's hand and stands up) Oh, yeah. You there. Yes, you have a question?

Two-Headed Geek Monster Head 1: Over the summer, you manage to fight back a hemming goblin who was attempting to traverse a fourth-dimensional biportal.

Juniper Lee: I did? Oh, um, is he a big dude, kind of like a ferret with tentacles?

Two-Headed Geek Monster Head 1: Yes.

Two-Headed Geek Monster Head 2: How did you dispatch him?

Two-Headed Geek Monster Head 1: I assume it was an reintegration spell, but I heard you may have surprised him an implemented banexs gambit.

Juniper Lee: Well, uh, I mostly just beat him up.

Two-Headed Geek Monster Head 1: Oh.

Two-Headed Geek Monster Head 2: Okay.

Two-Headed Geek Monster Head 1: I guess that would work too.

(The two-headed geek monster sits back down as a green monster fan pops up)

Monster Fan 2: Yes, I wonder, is your grandmother, Jasmine Lee, going to be attending this year's convention?

Juniper Lee: Uh, nope, just me.

(The monster grumble in disappointment)

Green Horned Monster Fan: (pops out from an old orange monster's ear) Uh, does your grandmother have a website?

(The monsters mumble in agreement. Cut to two geek monsters walking out of the auditorium)

Greg: Dude, this is the best monster convention ever! Tons of stuff to buy! Check these out. (puts on three lenses sunglasses)

Hollis: Cool, bro! Dig this, breath freshener. (sprays some on his mouth and breathes fire on Greg's face)

Greg: Oh, nice! (sniffs) Minty! (shakes the dust off his face)

Hollis: Like, how big a bummer is that Jasmine Lee is a no-show. Instead, we get this teenage new fight. (Juniper overhears this)

Greg: Gee, how boring was that speech of hers?

Hollis: Man, I hope she fights better than she talks or we're all gonna be shoveling dirt in the Underworld someday.

(Juniper leaves in sadness)

Hollis: Man, I'm starvin' like Marvin. Is the food court in here? (enters a hall)

Greg: Dude, I am not sure. Is this Exhibit Hall B27? Are we...

(They see a group of magic-hating human soldiers called H.A.M. in the room as one solider turns to see them)

Hollis: Aaah! Sorry, wrong room!

Greg: Yeah, we'll just be going! Sorry that we...

(The H.A.M. solider strikes them with an energy stick, causing them to collapse)

H.A.M. Solider: Sir, it appears we have a breach.

Leader of H.A.M.: But not compromised (takes off his cloak) All of you relax. Operation: Zoo Trip is still a-go. Years of planning, years of pain has all come to this. Today, I will have my revenge.

Monster Con

(Back in Hall A1117, a magical exhibition happens as purple goes on the stage and uses its tongue to pull itself inside out as the crowd cheers)

Juniper Lee: But you're not listening to me! I am a cunning investigator who roots out evil. I do not have magical powers like the rest of these guys. I don't breathe fire, or sweat mud, or turn myself into a giant eggplant...

Arthur Pettiman: Ah, Juniper, you'll be fine. Everyone is simply curious about what you can do. Just go out there and strut your stuff.

Juniper Lee: Well... can you beat somebody to beat up? I can do that! I whoop butt, that's what I do

(Cut to monsters laughing with Ray Ray)

Ray Ray Lee: Listen, listen, listen. We were in this bowling alley filled with elves, right? And nobody ever told me that elves were that allergic to fried foods. And it was around this time that I gave all these elves french fries!

(He and the monsters laugh)

Monster Fan 3: Hey, Ronnie, come here! You gotta listen to this kid!

Monster Fan 4: (laughs) Is that when the cyclone monkeys got out?

Ray Ray Lee: No, no, no. That was right before we got us a batoot who ate half the house and all our toilets! What's with you guys and eating toilets?!

(The monsters laugh again)

Monster Fan 3: The kid's a stich, isn't he?

Monroe: Oh, yes, his hilarity knows no end.

Monster Fan 3: So you work for Ray Ray?

Monroe: Work for... of all the... I'm Monroe! I am the magical advisor to the Te Xuan Ze! You don't recognize me?

Monster Fan 3: Should I?

Monroe: Yes! I personally banished you to the Realm of the Ice Giants!

Monster Fan 3: That was you? Mmm... nope You think I'd remember something like that? You always been a dog?

Monroe: Oh, for pity's sake.

(A blue monster comes onto the stage, disintegrates himself through fire and regenerates himself and the crowd cheers)

Monster Announcer: Yes, that was Barook the Flame Beast. And now, let's hear it for the Te Xuan Ze, Juniper Lee!

Juniper Lee: (comes onto the stage) Uh, thanks. Thanks, um, I don't exactly have anything snazzy for you folks, but, um... Well, I can show you how a Te Xuan Ze can kick it out. (she does backflips, jumps from an edge of the stage, swings from two chandeliers, falls, jumps on four monsters and jumps back to the stage with a perfect landing. They audience stays silent; sighs) Jerks. (leaves the stage)

(Cut to The Carloff Awards Magic's Top Honors in an exhibit hall)

Tux Monster: The nominees for most ferocious biped or serpent are... (sees the letter) Vigon the Horrible. Marzak the Hair Troll. Dr. Horatio Burkelman. Danny "Boom Boom" Python. And the Carloff goes to... Vigon the Horrible.

(Vigon's wife kisses him and he goes up to the stage)

Ray Ray Lee: WHOOO! Way to go, Vigon! WHOO-HOO! Long time coming, pal!

Juniper Lee: What a crock! I wasn't even nominated for best newcomer. Oh, man, or best use of banishment spells! I live off of banishment spells!

Monroe: Hey, you don't hear me complaining about not getting nominated for best anthropomorphic animal advisor. I mean, it's all politics. Just because I don't catch spots or attend the union functions. I bet they'd give it to that chimpanzee, Roscoe.

Juniper Lee: (her phone rings and she answers it) Hello?

Jasmine Lee: (as she's watering a flower) Hello, June. I'm just checking in. How goes your first Magical Convergence?

Juniper Lee: Awful. They hate me.

Jasmine Lee: June, they don't know you. It takes time. You have to earn their trust.

Juniper Lee: (exits the exhibit hall) Yeah, well from the looks of things, I'm not sure I'll be able to do that.

Jasmine Lee: June, you have only just begun. Please trust me when I tell you this: you will become a powerful warrior, more capable than you can ever imagine.

Juniper Lee: Well, I gotta tell ya, it seems pretty hard to believe.

H.A.M. Attacks

(Cut to the ceiling of the exhibit where the H.A.M. soldiers are up there, preparing for their ambush)

H.A.M. Soldier: All agents are in position, sir.

Leader of H.A.M.: Very good. All of you stay sharp. Any mistake will be your last. These creatures do not dispense mercy, so don't show them any mercy in return.

Roscoe: Thank you, thank you. Believe me, this poor, enchanted chimpanzee from Yorkshire never thought he'd grow up to win best anthropomorphic animal sidekick.

Monroe: Stupid chimpanzee.

Roscoe: Thank you, thank you all again!

(The lights go out as the H.A.M. soldiers slide down from the ceiling and begin their ambush, firing lasers at monsters and capturing monsters in orbs such as Cletus. Four H.A.M. soldiers fire their lasers on a winged monster and a wolf-beast. A dragon breathes fire at two H.A.M. soldiers who block themselves with energy shields as an orb gets thrown at the dragon's head, capturing him. As a small blue monster gets surrounded by H.A.M. soldiers, it turns itself huge, only for the soldiers to fire their lasers at it, reverting it back to normal size. The H.A.M. soldiers continue firing their lasers as other monsters try to avoid getting hit by their blasts. Three H.A.M. soldiers' lower halves even get turned into animal legs by magic.)

Ray Ray Lee: (hiding behind a table with Monroe) Monroe, what's happening?!

Monroe: Stay down, lad! I've got to get to June! We... (gets blasted by one laser)

Ray Ray Lee: Monroe!

(Outside, Juniper hears the commotion from inside)

Juniper Lee: Wait, what's that?

Jasmine Lee: (through the phone) June, what's wrong?

(Juniper opens the door to find all the chaos inside. Five H.A.M. soldiers try to fight a purple five-armed monster that fights back and throws them while more soldiers try to fight a white beast that also fights back but gets taken down by two soldiers until they get captured by a red skinny monster by using it's long body. One H.A.M. soldier uses a smoke bomb and and uses her energy stick to capture an orange horned monster.)

Juniper Lee: Oh, no.

Jasmine Lee: Juniper, what's going on?!

Juniper Lee: Human beings attacking the magical creatures! There's a ton of them! All these guys are shooting everyone with lasers!

Jasmine Lee: June, get out of there right now. I want you to turn around and run! Go!

Juniper Lee: But... what? No! Ah-Mah I have to help them...

(Juniper gets ambushed by one soldier as her line gets disconnected)

Jasmine Lee: June? JUNE!!!

(Quickly, she runs into her house, uses her charm necklace on the eye of one statue to activate an entrance in her fireplace as she runs to her basement filled with magical artifacts from her years as the Te Xuan Ze, puts on her old armor, grabs a black orb, connects a stick, places an amulet on it and ties her hair)

Jasmine Lee: Hang on, babies. Ah-Mah's on her way.

Defeating H.A.M.

(At the Magical Convergence, the H.A.M. soldiers are rallying the captured magical beings)

H.A.M. Soldier: All targets are neutralized. Beta Squad, come in for transport.

Ray Ray Lee: (as he and Monroe are captured by one soldier) You Men-in-Black-X-File nimrods are messin' with the wrong guy! Do you know who I am?!

H.A.M. Soldier: Sir, we found this human boy and this paranormally-enhanced dog.

Leader of H.A.M.: Oh, I know who these are. This is the sibling to the Te Xuan Ze, and this abomination is her dog sidekick.

Monroe: (dryly) Oh, wonderful. This is who remembers me.

(The soldier puts them down)

Ray Ray Lee: So, you're the head monkey in charge? Well good! 'Cause when my sister gets here, I wanna tell her who gets their butt handed to them first!

(Juniper gets thrown next to them)

Monroe: Oh, lass.

Ray Ray Lee: Oh, man. What's gonna happen to us?

H.A.M. Soldier: You and these freaks will all be taken to a secure facility where you will no longer be able to infect humanity.

Ray Ray Lee: For how long?

H.A.M. Soldier: Don't know. How long do you plan to live? (leaves)

Ray Ray Lee: Monroe, who are these guys?

Monroe: They are a group called H.A.M. Humans for the Abolishment of Magic. (A tank arrives to take the captured magical beings) They are human beings who wish to rid the world of magic. They are very bad people.

H.A.M. Soldier: Move it, scum! (kicks Greg to the ground)

Juniper Lee: Hey! You leave him alone!

Leader of H.A.M.: (chuckles) So speaks the Great Chosen One. You know, little girl, of all the creatures here, of all these lowsome atrocities, you're the worst. You're human, and you protect them, these... these monsters.

Juniper Lee: Yeah, well the only monster here is standing right in front of me!

Leader of H.A.M.: Oh, tough talk. I've spent my life studying you people. (takes out his amulet) I've found ways I could see monsters, (puts his amulet back on his armor) and then I found ways to capture them, and now you're done. And this nightmarish world of magic is coming to an end, and there's nothing you can do about it.

(Jasmine breaks through the roof)

Jasmine Lee: Hi, kids, sorry I'm late.

Juniper and Ray Ray Lee: Ah-Mah!

Leader of H.A.M.: Jasmine Lee. You just saved us a trip. Get her!

(The H.A.M. soldiers charge at her as she places down a scepter and faces the soldiers, hitting them with her stick and dodging their lasers with magical stones, blasting away the soldiers)

Ray Ray Lee: Holy mackerel! Did you see that?!

Monroe: Heh-heh! I told you, the best there ever was!

Juniper Lee: Oh, she's... amazing.

(The H.A.M. soldiers keep on coming at her as she keeps hitting them with her stick and kicking them. She then magically removes the shackles with a single wave)

Jasmine Lee: Are you hurt?

Juniper Lee: Nope, I'm okay.

Jasmine Lee: You want a piece of this action? Your grandma could use a hand.

Juniper Lee: Yeah!

Jasmine Lee: Good. Let's rock!

(She grabs Juniper by the pants and throws her at a H.A.M. soldier as she kick down, legs another soldier, punches another one, punches another one down, backflaps away, jumps and bashing two more soldiers' heads)

Hollis: What a move! She makes Yoda look like Jabba the Hutt!

Greg: Yeah! Get 'em, June!

(Jasmine jumps to avoid the laser blasts and she and Juniper land behind each other)

Juniper Lee: So, is there a game plan there, Ah-Mah, or do we just keep busting heads?

Jasmine Lee: We're stalling until that scepter of mine gets to full power, so yeah, keep smashing 'em down!

Leader of H.A.M.: We need back up! Get me two more squads down here now! Move, move, move!

Juniper Lee: (jumps behind the leader) Bring an army! You'll need it.

(He charges at Juniper to fight her as she jumps to avoid his punches)

Juniper Lee: Now listen up, Lex Luthor, your nightmarish plan of destroying magic is coming to an end! (She grabs his robot arm, punches it off and kicks him down) And there's nothing you can do about it.

(The scepter reaches full power)

Jasmine Lee: Here it comes! Hang on!

(The scepter knocks out the H.A.M. soldiers down and disintegrates the orbs, releasing the captured magical beings as they cheer)

Juniper Lee: What was that?

Jasmine Lee: A memory scepter. It knocked out and wiped the memories of every non-magical human being in the building.

Juniper Lee: Oh, man. We should use that all the time.

Jasmine Lee: If you ever use it outside, it'll zap every person on Earth.

Juniper Lee: Oh, okay, indoor use only.

(The magical community continuously cheer on Juniper and Jasmine's heroisms as a monster takes Greg and Hollis' picture with them and they leave)

Greg: Dude, that was the most righteous display of mystical battlement I have ever seen! Juniper Lee is like Conan the Barbarian in a pair of blue jeans!

Hollis: Straight up! Let's go post that on the Internet!

Greg: Awesome!

(As they leave, Jasmine tumbles forward a bit, but Juniper catches her)

Juniper Lee: Ah-Mah.

Jasmine Lee: I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm just way too old for this crud. I'm gonna sleep for a week.

Juniper Lee: Ah-Mah, you were... amazing. I never knew... well, I never ever saw you... Ah-Mah, will I be as good as that someday?

Jasmine Lee: No, you will be better.

Ray Ray Lee: Ah-Mah! Whoa! Whoa! You have been holding out on us! Honestly, anybody who kicks that much help does not need my help taking out the garbage. (laughs)

Jasmine Lee: It's just to get you out of the house so June can talk to me about boys.

Juniper Lee: Ah-Mah!

Jasmine Lee: Oh, relax. Trust your Ah-Mah, I know best.

Juniper Lee: You certainly do. Hey, um, I don't have to come back here tomorrow, do I?

Jasmine Lee: If you don't, there's gonna be a lot of disappointing autograph seekers.

Juniper Lee: But Ah-Mah...

Jasmine Lee: I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Ray Ray, did you get me a souvie?

Ray Ray Lee: Yep. It says "I came to Monster Con, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt".

Jasmine Lee: They got that right.

(Juniper giggles)

Epilogue: Party in the Backyard

(At the Lee residence, Ray Ray hosts a party in the backyard with him flipping burgers on the grill)

Ray Ray Lee: How was I to know that there's gonna be a 3-ton spider in that box?

(The monster all laugh as Hollis comes out of the house)

Hollis: Hey, Ray Ray, I found this awesome dip in the pantry.

Monroe: That's not dip, that's my dog food!

Greg: Whoa! Check out the talking dog!

Hollis: Yeah. His name is Ramon.

(He messes the dog food and bites down Hollis' leg)

Hollis: Attaboy, tough guy! Give me your best shot!

(Episode ends)