Feets Too Big/Script

Feets Too Big
Episode 30
Season	3
Episode	4
Year	2006

Characters

• Juniper
• Ray Ray
• Roger
• Mr. and Mrs. Radcliffe
• Sasquatches
• Lila
• Barbara
• Michael
• Dennis
• Jasmine
• Brown-Back Mountain Troll

Transcript

Intro

(Episode begins on a squirrel holding it's nut on a log next to Dennis, who's playing a video game with the squirrel mimicking his movements)

Barbara Lee: Dennis? Dennis!

Dennis Lee: What?

Barbara Lee: We didn't come camping with Roger's mother and father just so you could play video games. We came to enjoy nature.

Dennis Lee: Mo-om! Nature doesn't have 12 levels of flesh-eating zombies! Eugh! ...such a waste of space. Right here could be a mini-mall... or at least a taco stand. (the squirrel throws it's nut at him) Ow! Man!

Barbara Lee: Juniper, if you're going down to the creek, be careful, that trail is steep!

Juniper Lee: Okay! (She swings on the branches to the creek. Monroe holds a fly swatter to keep away flies when he gets splashed by mud)

Roger Radcliffe: Oh, yeah. Y'know what the best part of campin', I mean, besides covering yourself in mud?

Ray Ray Lee: Augh, can't imagine what's better!

Roger Radcliffe: (whispering) Goin' to the bathroom... OUTSIDE.

Ray Ray Lee: I stand corrected!

Roger Radcliffe: Oh, yeah, nothing says nature like going outside! Nature's big gigantic restroom! (both laughing)

Juniper Lee: (lands next to Monroe) What are they doing?

Monroe: They're running for president, what does it look like they're doing!? (Roger and Ray Ray are playing in the mud and fill their pants with more)

Juniper Lee: Oh- (laughing) Ray Ray, get over here! (giggling) Oh boy, mom's gonna kill you.

Ray Ray Lee: What? Old ladies pay, like, a hundred bucks a pop for one of these mud-bath-thingies. And I can't blame 'em! I feel AWESOME! It's good for the skin, it's good for the pores, it's GREAT for the arm-pits! Smell my pit. Go on. It's like a babblin' brook in there, right?

Monroe: Don't point that at me.

Juniper Lee: Just hold still, bubba.

Ray Ray Lee: Man, I was just getting moisturized, I don't know why you-- (sees something) Hey, you sure that regular human beings can't see any magical creatures? You, me and Ah-Mah are the only ones who can see those dudes, right?

Juniper Lee: Uh, yeah, sure. Why?

Roger Radcliffe: (getting more mud from the water) Oh, yeah, this is living! I tell ya, a guy can get used to-- (stops and turns to see a Bigfoot growling at him) AHHHHHHHH!!!!

Ray Ray Lee: No reason.

(Cue the theme song)

Camping with the Radcliffes

(Scene begins with Barbara checking the instructions on setting up their tent)

Barbara Lee: Place shaft 3F into slotted shaft 7F.

Michael Lee: Okay.

(They talk simultaneously while Michael tries to set up the tent)

Michael Lee: Okay, yes. There, I got it.

(He pulls the tent, but the tent falls apart and the poles fly off, and breaks an offscreen car's windows)

Barbara Lee: At least you didn't break your glasses this time.

(Michael's glasses breaks. Roger's parents come in with Mr. Radcliffe losening a rope and their tent pitches itself)

Michael Lee: My, I guess you've had your tent for years. Put it together before, have you?

Mrs. Radcliffe: Oh, no. We just bought it yesterday.

Mr. Radcliffe: Just instinct, I guess. Michael, my friend, I am so thrilled that the boss had us go on this camping retreat together. You've got to admit, he's right. Nothing gets the old creative juices pouring out of you like kicking the dust of the right. Am I right, or am I right?

Michael Lee: Oh, yeah, so right.

Mr. Radcliffe: (sniffs the air while flexing his muscles and exhales) And, boy, howdy, smell that air!

Mrs. Radcliffe: Crisp and fresh as morning dew!

Mr. Radcliffe: I don't know what I love more about the outdoors, the air... (kicks a tree that knocks down walnuts on his arms) ...or cracking open wild walnuts on my biceps. (cracks open the walnuts on his biceps and his wife eats some) Have some.

Michael Lee: Thanks, we're good. (he and Barbara hear Roger's scream) Oh, my! Sounds like some poor animal is caught in a trap!

Mr. Radcliffe: No. You can tell from the pitch. That poor weak creature isn't hurt, it's frightened!

Michael Lee: Really? That just instinct as well?

Mr. Radcliffe: I suppose, and I have three master's degrees in anthropology. Ca-caw, ca-caw! (An eagle flies and lands on his arm)

(Cut back to the sasquatch in the creek as Roger continues screaming at the sight of the sasquatch as it creeps up on him, but Monroe blasts him with a wand, causing him to retreat)

Monroe: Try snatching up a wee one again, you walking carpet, and you'll get more of the same!

(Roger jumps on Juniper's arms and continues screaming, but loses his chords, breathes in and continues screaming)

Juniper Lee: Oh, man, Roger.

Monroe: I got him. (blows goblin dust on Roger, putting him to sleep) Goblin dust. He won't remember a thing. His mind will go blank. Well, more blank.

Ray Ray Lee: What was that? And how come Roger could see him?

Juniper Lee: Well, because he wasn't a magical creature. Do you think that was...?

Monroe: Oh, my! I think you're right, it may have been him.

Ray Ray Lee: Who, who? Who was that?

Juniper Lee and Monroe: Bigfoot! (walk away back to the campsite while she carries Roger)

Ray Ray Lee: Dude! The actual Bigfoot?! Man, we should've got a picture! (catches up to them) Do you know how much moolah somebody would pay for a shot of the one and only Bigfoot?

Monroe: Well, in part, I agree with you, lad. I'd love to get another look at this fellow. There's very little known about Bigfoot.

Ray Ray Lee: Wow, that fuzzy dude was big!

Monroe: Yes, Ray Ray. Hence the "big" foot.

(Cut back to the campsite where Dennis eats instant food and grimaces in disgust)

Dennis Lee: Mom, this doesn't taste good.

Barbara Lee: Oh, honey, that's your freeze-dried camping meal. You just add water, and boom, you're chowing down.

Dennis Lee: It tastes like feet.

Mrs. Radcliffe: I didn't really like that store-bought instant food, so I made my own. (puts water on one tray and a huge turkey dinner appears from it) I just hope the stuffing isn't too dry.

Dennis Lee: Whoa. (starts to go over, Barbara stops him)

Barbara Lee: Don't even think about it. Just go get some firewood, we'll make hot dogs.

Dennis Lee: Man, I'll bet that turkey doesn't taste like feet.

Mrs. Radcliffe: I hope you'll save room for dessert. (puts water on another tray and a cake appears from it)

(Cut to a different part of the forest with Dennis gathering firewood)

Dennis Lee: Stupid forest! Dumb nature stuff! Boring trees! I could be home, but, "Oh, let's go camping!" I hate this stupid, stupid-- (a shadow comes over him, he sees it's the sasquatch) AHHHHHHHH!!!!

(Cut back to their campsite where Michael once again tries to set up the tent while Mr. Radcliffe tells a story to him and some animals)

Mr. Radcliffe: And that's when I ran into a second burning building and saved everyone inside that building as well. It was quite a full day.

Michael Lee: Sounds like it.

Mr. Radcliffe: I just barely managed to get in 18 holes at the club and go hot air ballooning with the family. You know, I cant--

(Dennis' scream is heard as the animals retreat)

Michael Lee: Whoa! There it goes again.

Mr. Radcliffe: No, that's a different creature, but no less cowardly. (Dennis comes running and screaming out of the woods, and jumps into Mr. Radcliffe's arms)

Michael Lee: Dennis! Calm down, son! What in the world is wrong?

Mr. Radcliffe: (starts breathing in and out) Deep breaths kiddo, be strong, and let's try and maintain bladder control.

(Dennis points to the sasquatch, who creeps up on them, and screams, Michael and Mr. Radcliffe scream too. Cut back to Juniper, Ray Ray, Monroe and Roger)

Ray Ray Lee: Boy, I gotta tell ya, the whole mud bath thing is soothing, but it's murder on the swim trunks (shakes some mud off his swim trunks) It's like a landfill in here! I'm gonna whip 'em off. (screaming is heard as he is about to) Alright! I'll leave 'em on! Sheesh!

(They arrive at the campsite to find it a mess)

Juniper Lee (puts Roger down and runs to the ruined campsite) Mom! Dad! Dennis?! Mr. and Mrs. Radcliffe?! Oh, they're not here! What could have happen to...

Monroe: Lass! (He and Ray Ray see a footprint of the sasquatch)

Juniper Lee: (comes up to the footprint) Oh, boy.

Rescuing the Families/The Bigfoot Village

(Roger is placed in the car while Juniper, Ray Ray and Monroe run off to rescue their family and his parents)

Monroe: This way, lass! I've got the scent!

Juniper Lee: I can't believe a Bigfoot took them! What do you think he's doing to them?

Monroe: Be brave darling! We're on the trail! With any luck, we'll be all over his furry keister before he can execute whatever horrible plan he has.

(Cut to the sasquatch carrying Juniper's family and Roger's parents in a basket)

Michael Lee: Oh, what do you mean you're lost?

Sasquatch: Not lost. I just got a little turned around, and I was hoping you folks could assist me in getting back to home.

Barbara Lee: Not like you gave us a whole lot of choice.

Sasquatch: Well, you all kept screaming so much I couldn't think straight! Everybody comfortable?

Dennis Lee: No.

Sasquatch: Good! I think we need to head east. What do you think, east?

Michael Lee: That's west.

Sasquatch: Uh, really? It kinda looks east to me.

Michael Lee: That's the sun, Magellan. It sets in the west.

Sasquatch: Hey, hey, hey! No reason to get all abusive. You don't hear me complaining about carrying everyone. So what we decide? East, right? (continues walking)

(Cut back to Juniper, Ray Ray and Monroe)

Monroe: Oh, I've lost the scent. (sniffs) Oh, my! This way! (They follow another scent across a bridge)

Juniper Lee: You smell Mom and Dad?

Monroe: Not yet, but come through here. (They run through a waterfall and into a cave) I've got a scent of this Bigfoot, but not just one Bigfoot. I smell tons of them! This must be an entire village! Behold, children. Gaze upon a sight few have ever seen: the village of the legendary (opens the vines and sees something unfamiliar) Bigfoots...?

Juniper Lee: They live in a Boom Burger restaurant?

Ray Ray Lee: Yeah! How much does that rock?

Monroe: Oh, my. Many years ago, there was a freeway that ran through here, but it was completely washed out in a battle of the fire-breathing lava giants. They must have moved in. Rather anticlimactic, I'd say.

Juniper Lee: Seriously. (to a sasquatch) Excuse me. I was wondering--

Sasquatch: Sorry, can't help. I'm pretty sure I gotta be someplace. (leaves)

Juniper Lee: (to another sasquatch) Hi there. Could you tell me--

Sasquatch: Oh, could I get back to you? I'm on my way to a thing, I think. (leaves)

Juniper Lee: (to another sasquatch) Oh, uh, sorry, could I ask you--

Sasquatch: Oh, no, I'm sorry. See, I've got to see a man about a horse. Do you see anybody around here with a horse? Or maybe selling eggplants? It might be eggplants. (leaves)

Ray Ray Lee: Is it just me, or do these guys seem, well, kind of stupid?

Juniper Lee: Ray Ray!

Monroe: No, I agree with the boy. A bunch of brain donors this lot is.

Juniper Lee: Yeah, even still, we need some answers and fast. (to another sasquatch) Hiya!

Sasquatch: Oh, hello! Do I know you folks? Are you selling horses or are you the eggplant guys?

Juniper Lee: Oh, no, no, no, no. We're not from around here, but can we speak to someone in charge? Have you got a tribal leader, or a chief or something?

Sasquatch: Oh, jeez, I dunno. I'd really like to help, but I'm not sure we even have one of those.

Ray Ray Lee: What about Richie?

Sasquatch: Oh, jeez, see, Richie, Richie, Richie, uh, jeez, I don't think so. I'm not even sure we have anyone named Richie around here. (Ray Ray points to a hut with a crudely spelled sign that says "Cheif Richie") Oh, right! Cheif Richie! Yeah, come on!

Meeting Lila

(They walk to Chief Richie's hut)

Sasquatch: (knocking on Richie's door) Um, Richie, we got some people out here with chief business.

Richie: (comes out) Okay, but I'm not the chief.

Sasquatch: Sure you are, dude. That's what the sign says.

Richie: What sign? (they point to the crudely spelled sign on his hut) Wow! Holy mackerel, I'm the chief? When did this happen?

Sasquatch: When did what happen?

Richie: When was I elected chief?

Sasquatch: You're the chief? Congratulations, man! That's great!

Richie: What's great?

Sasquatch: Sorry?

Juniper Lee: Oh, boy. (They come into the hut) Look, one of your tribesmen took off with my parents.

Richie: Well, I don't know what you expect me to do about it. I'm not in charge here or anything.

Juniper Lee: You're the chief of this tribe.

Richie: Who's chief?

Juniper Lee: You are!

Sasquatch: Hey, you're the chief? Congratulations, man! That's great!

(Both Sasquatches get blasted with a wand)

Juniper: Monroe!

Monroe: Sorry, they're just driving me bonkers!

Richie: Oh-oh-oh-oh! I just remembered that Charlie Paulsen has been missing all day. I wrote it on my hand.

Juniper Lee: Great. So, can you help us find him?

Richie: Find who?

Juniper Lee: Charlie Paulsen.

Richie: Charlie Paulsen is missing?! Hey, we better tell the chief!

Juniper Lee: You're the chief!

Sasquatch: Hey, you're the chief? Congratulations, man! That's great!

(Both Sasquatches get blasted with the wand again)

Juniper Lee: Monroe!

Ray Ray Lee: That was me. I'm totally gettin' fed up.

Female Voice: I can take you.

(A young female sasquatch comes in the hut)

Female Sasquatch: I mean, no offense, but Richie here couldn't find his butt with a stick in eight hands.

Richie: Oh, you've got a stick? I've been looking all over for one.

Female Sasquatch: (points at Richie to prove her point) My name's Lila. If you want, I can help you find your folks, but, you know, we better moving, it's gonna drop like, 20 degrees after sunset, and I don't think your peeps are dressed for it. Come on.

The Search for Charlie Paulsen

(Cut to outside)

Ray Ray Lee: This little Bigfoot chick seems a lot smarter than the rest of these dudes.

Monroe: Please, a bucket of wet sand is smarter than these dudes.

Richie: (speaking to a Boomfist-shaped take-out order machine) We come to you in peace!

Sasquatch: We mean you no harm!

(A high-pitched microphone feedback sound is heard and they get scared by it. Cut to the woods where Lila guides Juniper, Ray Ray and Monroe to search for Charlie Paulsen with the Lee family and Roger's parents)

Lila: (sniffs) This way. Due west.

(They go west. Cut to Lila talking to a raccoon, via speaking fluently, that gives them directions and it leaves)

Lila: She says they crossed here about 3 hours back, and they went south.

(They walk the south trail)

Lila: (sniffs) Up through here.

(They continue walking)

Monroe: I barely smell that. This Lila is quite the tracker.

Lila: Oh, it's not really a big deal. I'm a sasquatch. We live in the woods, we've got good noses.

Monroe: You can hear me? She can hear me.

Juniper Lee: Lila, you've got magical senses?

Lila: Well, no, I wouldn't call them magical. I'm not a human being, I'm just, you know, a big dumb animal, and all us animals can see magic.

Juniper Lee: Oh, Lila, don't be silly. From what I've seen, you're anything but dumb. Actually, you seem to be the smartest sasquatch there is.

Lila: Oh, well, thanks. I try to get smarter. It's hard when you know no one in the entire village can remember anything, or read, or wash, or dress themselves without help. You ever dress 400 Bigfoots who haven't taken a bath since spring? Real picnic. But I know a little bit about the outside world, because sometimes, sometimes, I leave the village and sneak into... What do you call them? Moonies?

Juniper Lee: Movies?

Lila: Yeah, movies. Those are so neat, so neat! Tell me something. How do they work? I know it's not real, but how do they make all those people so big up there? And why do they blow everything up? Sorry, I just like going to the moonies... movies.

Juniper Lee: Well, after we get my folks, if you want, we could take you to a movie. You could see the whole thing.

Lila: (gasps) Oh. No, it's not safe. (they continue walking) If I ever tried to run away, I'd just be captured and holed up in a science lab or shacked up in a zoo next to the panda cages for the rest of my life. No, I belong in the forest. (continues walking)

Juniper Lee: Oh, you know, she shouldn't have to live like this.

Monroe: Yes, that is one unhappy rookie.

Ray Ray Lee: She's not a Wookie, she's a sasquatch. And she might be all depressed and hairy and junk, but she's still pretty okay.

Monroe: Ha! You like the Bigfoot girl!

Ray Ray Lee: I do not!

Juniper Lee: You do too!

Ray Ray Lee: I DO NOT! That is so... I'm not... You guys are just so... (stammering)

(Juniper and Monroe laugh)

Juniper Lee: Oh come on, it's cute. (touches Ray Ray's shoulders)

Ray Ray Lee: Get off me!

Lila: (running back towards them) Look out, look out! Move, move, move, move!

(She grabs Juniper and Ray Ray and jumps out of the way of a blue monster in a loincloth as it roars)

Defeating the Brown-Back Mountain Troll/Lila Becomes Human

(The blue monster tries hitting the kids with it's club, but ends it making the ground crumble and falls down. It breaks two trees and searches for them)

Juniper Lee: How did you know that thing was coming? My bracelet hadn't even picked him up yet.

Ray Ray Lee: What is that?

Juniper Lee and Ray Ray Lee: A Brown-Back Mountain Troll.

Lila: Ugh, and I just always call them spitters.

Ray Ray Lee: Why? (The Brownback mountain troll spits slime at them, but they miss) Oh.

Monroe: It's one of the fiercest most physically powerful creatures in all the magical realms.

Juniper Lee: Okay, you guys stay down. I'll try and hold 3 tons of ugly off while... (sees Lila charging towards the Brown-Back Mountain Troll) Hey!

(Lila jumps and faces the Brown-Back Mountain Troll)

Ray Ray Lee: Lila!

(The Brown-Back Mountain Troll tries to hit her with it's club, but Lila uses her super strength to knock the troll with it's club)

Ray Ray Lee: Hey, check her out!

Monroe: Looks like you've got yourself some backup.

Juniper Lee: (jumps next to Lila) More like a tag team match.

(The Brown-Back Mountain Troll tries to hit Juniper with it's club, but she jumps and Lila punches it in the stomach. Juniper jumps from a tree and kicks the troll in the face, knocking it out and revealing it has two mountain lion cubs in it's purse)

Ray Ray Lee: Oh, man! That big ape snatched up two kittens!

Monroe: Those aren't kittens, they're mountain lion cubs. I can't imagine that their mother's gonna be happy about that. She must be-- (...right behind them, as she growls angirly at them) Nice kitty. Nice kitty. Who's a pretty girl?

(The mother mountain lion roars and lunges towards them as Ray Ray and Monroe start running, screaming. The fight with the Brown-Back Mountain Troll continues on at it tries to once again hit Juniper with it's club, but she dodges it and jumps away. The troll tries to do the same with Lila, but she avoids it. They see Ray Ray and Monroe running towards them. Ray Ray grabs the purse and the mother mountain lion continues chasing him)

Monroe: Boy, are you out of your mind?!

Ray Ray Lee: I'm savin' the kittens! AHHHHHHHH!!!!

Juniper Lee: Ray Ray!

(The Brown-Back Mountain Troll approaches her, but Juniper jumps up a tree, jumps to a branch and kicks the troll. Lila jumps and punches the troll, knocking it to several trees. The mother mountain lion creeps on Ray Ray and Monroe to get her babies, but Juniper steps in front of her to protect her brother. Lila roars loudly and jumps in front of the mother mountain lion. Ray Ray gives the mountain lion cubs to Lila, who gives them to their mother.)

Juniper Lee: Pretty good for a dumb animal.

Monroe: Lass, we may want to continue on our search for...

Juniper Lee and Ray Ray Lee: Mom and Dad!

(Cut to Charlie Paulsen, the Lee family and Roger's parents trapped on a tree with a grizzly bear attacking them)

Charlie Paulsen: Okay, now I'm thinking west, or maybe Northwest. Boy, he seems pretty teed off. We come to you in peace! We mean you no harm! Any of you guys speak bear?

Barbara Lee: You're pathetic.

(The bear get blasted with the wand by Monroe as Juniper, Ray Ray and Lila enter)

Michael Lee: June! Ray Ray!

Barbara Lee: Kids! Oh, my! Oh, thank heavens!

Charlie Paulsen: Hey, great! Maybe these guys have a map. (slides down the tree and walks towards them) Or eggplants.

Barbara Lee: Oh, you would not believe what we've been through!

Michael Lee: We were kidnapped by this Bigfoot.

Barbara Lee: And he's a complete idiot! We've been running around this forest for hours and hours. We're so glad to see you, and why does the dog have a magic wand?

(Ray Ray uses the goblin dust on Charlie Paulsen, the Lee family and Roger's parents, knocking them to sleep)

Juniper Lee: Okay, let's cut Mom and Dad and the Radcliffes loose, then we'll take Charlie back to the village, and then we're all going home. (looks at Lila) And I mean everyone.

(We fade to the Lee residence)

Ray Ray Lee: Ya sure ya wanna do this Lila?

Lila: Yeah, I've never been more sure of anything in my whole life.

Juniper Lee: Okay, this is called an exfoliax charm, it should take care of all this... well, excess hair you've got.

Monroe: With that, you should be able to blend right in with every other human being. You ready?

Lila: Yeah, let's do it.

(Monroe performs the spell that gets rid of Lila's fur. Everybody looks surprised)

Lila: How do I look?

Juniper Lee: (hands Lila a mirror) See for yourself.

Lila: (sees herself as a human with the mirror) I... I look...

Ray Ray Lee: Beautiful.

Monroe: She certainly does.

Lila: (giggles and shivers) Man, it's cold in here. You got a scarf or something?

(Cut to them walking at night time with Lila wearing clothes and holding a book called "Magical Creature's Guide to Acting Human")

Juniper Lee: So now you can stay tonight with my grandmother until we can get you settled with a family.

Monroe: But you'll have to study up quite hard, young lady. There's many customs that may be fine in the forest, but they certainly won't fly as a human being, and I worked a wee bit of magical voodoo on the computers at June and Ray Ray's school. Starting Monday, you're going to be a student there.

Lila: What?

Juniper Lee: Yup, nearly everyday, you'll be going to class with the rest of us: you, me and hundreds of other kids, just like everyone else.

(Lila shrieks with joy and hugs her hardly. She walks up to Jasmine's house where she waves.)

Ray Ray Lee: Is she... she gonna be okay?

Juniper Lee: Oh, sure. She's really smart, and she's stronger than me, and her senses are faster than my bracelet, and, well... she's our friend. She's gonna be great. And because you love her!

Ray Ray Lee: SHUT-UP DORKO! SHUT-UP! SHUT-UP! SHUT-UP! (Juniper laughs)

Epilogue: Lila Sees a Movie

Lila: (as she and Juniper walk out of Orchid Bay Palace) That was so awesome! How cool was the part where he jumped off the exploding building and crashed through the skylight and landed in the speedboat just as it caught fire?! Let's see it again right now!

Juniper Lee: Lila, I think three times in one day is enough. Say, do you think the other Bigfoots will manage without you?

(Cut to Richie and three sasquatches speaking to the Boomfist-shaped take-out order machine in the village)

Richie: Tell us, O Great One! Answer us these riddles! Does these unzip from the back, or there are buttons up front?

(The high-pitched microphone feedback sound is heard and they once again get scared by it.)

(Episode ends)