Ding Dong, the Witch Ain't Dead/Script

Ding Dong, the Witch Ain't Dead
Episode 7
Season	1
Episode	7
Year	2005

This is a transcript page for the first episode of The Life & Times of Juniper Lee, Ding Dong, the Witch Ain't Dead. To see the image gallery, click here.

Characters

• Auntie Roon (debut)
• Unnamed Te Xuan Ze
• Monroe
• Jasmine
• Juniper
• Ray Ray
• 10th level Warlock
• Pus Goblin
• Antelope Snake
• Jody
• Ophelia
• Roger
• Dennis
• Magical Elders

Transcript

Intro

(Episode starts 400 years ago on a volcanic wasteland where a battle between a witch named Auntie Roon and a previous Te Xuan Ze happens. They fight, dodging each other's punches and kicks until he kicks Auntie Roon down, but she uses her scepter to summon a purple lizard-type monster to take him down. He pulls out his sword and tries to slay the monster, but it dodges it, knocks him down with its tail and swats the sword away. As the monster is about to finish him off, Monroe appears with a magic golden discus and throws it into its mouth, causing the discus to shoot beams from the monster's body. Auntie Roon whistles to summon her big flying fish and jumps on its back in an attempt to escape, but the beams turn into a portal, banishing Auntie Roon and her fish, then it flashes to the present where Juniper reads a book on Auntie Roon)

Juniper Lee: A fish? She rode a fish?

Jasmine Lee: Yeah! What a freak! But Auntie Roon was a real terror back in the day. (feeds bugs to her carnivorus plants) When she was banished, they partied like it was 1799.

Juniper Lee: So she's, like, totally history?

Jasmine Lee: Oh, she's not coming back. I have a better chance of fitting into my old mini skirt and go-go boots.

Juniper Lee: Ew.

Jasmine Lee: Seriously, for Auntie Roon to return, it would take a 10th level warlock making a deal with a pus goblin and an antelope snake. Never happen!

(Cut to the Underworld where the three creatures Jasmine mentioned are making a deal to free Auntie Roon from banishment)

10th level Warlock: So we got a deal?

Antelope Snake: Ha ha! You betcha!

Pus Goblin: Oh, yeah! (chuckles) I'm in.

(Cue the theme song)

A Trip to the Mall

(Scene begins at the Lee residence where Ray Ray and Roger are in the basement, playing a Boomfist video game and Juniper, Jody and Ophelia are reading comics. Dennis enters)

Dennis Lee: Hey, dweebs, Mom and Dad left me in charge, so don't forget. I'm watching you.

Juniper Lee: Do what?

Dennis Lee: Wouldn't you like to know? (Walks over to Ray Ray and Roger)

Ophelia Ramírez: Okay, hello? Can you say "power trip"?

Dennis Lee: Yo, losers! What are you, like, honorary chicks or something? I mean, why don't you guys just put on a couple of dresses and call it a night! (laughs)

Ray Ray Lee: Dude, you got some issues, you know that?

Dennis Lee: Whatever. Shut up. (leaves while the girls giggle)

Announcer: And that was the title track off the latest CD by Ambiguous Angst, which goes on sale tonight at Mellow Mike Records inside the Orchid Bay City Mall!

Juniper Lee: Woo-hoo! Ambiguous Angst!

Roger Radcliffe: No way!

Jody Irwin: I totally love them!

Ophelia Ramírez: I am so serious! We, like, so have to go!

Ray Ray Lee: That band rocks! Woo-hoo! Rock on, Angst dudes!

Juniper Lee: You have no idea who they are.

Ray Ray Lee: No, I... just got swept up in all the excitement. WOO-HOO!

(They start leaving the basement to go the mall while Jody grabs Monroe.)

Jody Irwin: Come on, little man, we're going to the mall!

Monroe: (sarcastically) Oh, we're going to the mall? It's a dream come true! Somebody pinch me!

(They are about to walk out the front door, but are stopped by Dennis)

Dennis Lee: Going somewhere, dorks?

Juniper Lee: Oh, move it, Dennis. Ah-Mah's giving us a ride to the mall.

Dennis Lee: Um, may I remind you of the first and most important of babysitter bylaws? You can only go out if I come along.

Ophelia Ramírez: Babysitter bylaws? Dude, somebody desperately needs a girlfriend.

Juniper Lee: Oh, come on, Dennis. Can you just act like a normal human for a change?

Dennis Lee: Hey! Them's the rules. I don't make 'em, I just follow 'em.

Juniper Lee: (sighs) Fine.

(They walk out the house.)

Roger Radcliffe: Dennis! Welcome to chick night.

Ray Ray Lee: Yeah, maybe when we get to the mall, we'll buy you something pretty.

(Dennis closes the front door as the scene cuts to the Orchid Bay Mall where people go inside and Jasmine drops off the kids)

Jasmine Lee: I'll pick you up right after my hockey league game, 9:00 sharp. Don't be late!

Juniper Lee: Okay, just try to stay out of the penalty box this time.

Jasmine Lee: Ah, that priss who refs the games wouldn't know high-sticking if it crawled up his leg and--

(Juniper closes the door before Jasmine can finish, waves her and runs to the mall)

Auntie Roon's Return

(Cut to a clothes store called S.A.P where the 10th level Warlock, the pus goblin and the antelope snake are in a changing room, chanting)

10th level Warlock, Pus Goblin and Antelope Snake: Moltra ringo salta kelnar! Moltra ringo salta kelnar!

Pus Goblin: Tell me again why we're doing this here? (his oozing lands on the antelope snake's skin) We couldn't have picked someplace a little more roomy.

10th level Warlock: Hey, come on, it's not my fault somebody built a mall on sacred raising ground, it it?

Antelope Snake: Besides, look who's complaining, slime boy! We're not the ones oozing, Pus. I mean I just shed my skin, man. These scales are brand-new!

Pus Goblin: I'm a pus goblin! Did you expect me to be dipped in chocolate?

10th level Warlock: Hey, can we get on with this already?!

10th level Warlock, Pus Goblin and Antelope Snake: (chanting) Moltra ringo salta kelnar! Moltra ringo salta kelnar!

(A mirror opens a portal to another dimension where an elderly Auntie Roon and her obese fish are banished)

Pus Goblin: Oh, dude, the years certainly haven't been kind.

Antelope Snake: (whispering to the pus goblin) Yeah, she looks a rhino's butt with eyes. (They start snickering)

10th level Warlock: Knock it off! (Auntie Roon and her fish fly to them) Auntie Roon, hi! How was your banishment?

Auntie Roon: Oh, just great. Gone four centuries and this is all I get?! Would it had killed you to rent a hall or something? Spring for a sweets table, maybe a band?

10th level Warlock: Yeah, yeah, listen, Auntie Roon, the guys and me are gonna be more than happy to throw you a little soiree, you know, after the boon, that is.

Auntie Roon: You lost me there, sweetheart. A boon?

Antelope Snake: You know, boon-- a magical favor. We freed you from magical banishment and now we want you to do us a solid. Fair is fair.

Auntie Roon: Oh, a boon! (chuckles) You kids and your slang. Okay, fine. What can I do ya for?

10th level Warlock: The children!

Antelope Snake: (laughs) Yeah, the children!

Pus Goblin: We want you to steal the children!

Auntie Roon: And what do you boys plan on doing with them, may I ask?

10th level Warlock: Uh, we're gonna... take 'em to a farm!

Antelope Snake: Yeah, farm-- place in the country!

Pus Goblin: Where there's a lot of room to run!

Auntie Roon: You're gonna eat 'em, aren't ya?

(Pause. They laugh)

10th level Warlock: Yeah, you got us.

Pus Goblin: We're gonna eat 'em.

Auntie Roon: Oh, good! Because I was thinking that would be a waste of a perfectly good farm, if you know what I mean.

Antelope Snake: Have you ever had one? They taste just like frogs' legs.

Auntie Roon: Oh, stop already! I'm homosapien intolerant. They give me gas. You don't wanna know, it's not pretty. Okay, boys, let's get this horror show on the road! I'm not getting any younger, you know.

(She and her fish fly out of the portal in the changing room and into the clothes store)

Auntie Roon: Ooh, hold on a sec! (holds a pair of capri pants) One of you be a doll and see if you can get these in a size sixteen.

(Cut to Mellow Mike Records store where people are waiting in line for the Ambiguous Angst CD as we pan over to more people waiting on tables, including Juniper, Jody and Ophelia)

Ophelia Ramírez: Mindy Manheim and her friends are, like, so heinous.

Juniper Lee: Oh, just ignore them. (They hear and see the clock. The time on it is 9:00) Oh, crud, it's already 9:00.

(Cut to Ray Ray, Monroe and Dennis in line when Juniper comes up to them)

Juniper Lee: Dennis, Ray Ray, we gotta go! Ah-Mah's gonna be waiting.

Dennis Lee: Ugh, but we're almost at the front of the line!

Ray Ray Lee: Rock and roll doesn't punch a time clock, June. WOO-HOO!

(Cut back to the table where Ophelia listens to Ambiguous Angst on her cassette player and Jody reads an Ambiguous Angst book)

Juniper Lee: Okay, listen, you guys grab Roger, wait for Dennis and Ray Ray and meet me outside. I'll go find Ah-Mah and stall her.

(She goes outside to wait for Jasmine to arrive while her friends and brothers walk to the exit, but Ray Ray and Monroe notice a blue puff of smoke, revealing to be Auntie Roon)

Auntie Roon: Hello gorgeous! Auntie Roon's back in town! Girls!

(Her henchmen appear)

Henchman 1: (in Swedish accent) I wish she would stop calling us "girls".

Henchman 2: (in same accent) Well it's a paycheck.

Auntie Roon: That's right, darlings. Banishment schmanishment.(chuckles) You can't keep an old broad down forever. So kiss this world goodbye 'cause dinner is served, and you're it! (cackles, then coughs) Anyone have a hard candy?

(Commercial break)

Auntie Roon's Invasion

(Auntie Roon continues cackling, but the people keep walking since she's invisible to everyone)

Monroe: Auntie Roon.

Ray Ray Lee: Dude, she rides a fish? What a freak!

Monroe: We need to find June.

Auntie Roon: Where's the screaming? Why aren't they screaming or something? It's like they don't even know I'm here.

Henchman 1: Well, they don't. See, while you were gone, the worlds of magic and humans were separated. Nobody can see you.

Auntie Roon: Hello! Somebody could've told me earlier! I wouldn't have gotten all dolled-up. Besides, what's the point of wreaking evil havoc if nobody can see it?! I mean excuse me for living, but if I didn't wanted to be ignored after 400 years, I would've had children of my own!

Fish: (speaking Spanish) Heh. Si fueras mi madre, preferiría que me comieran al nacer. ("If you were my mother, I would have rather been eaten at birth.")

(Auntie Roon uses her scepter to start to lift the magical veil)

Henchman 1: Auntie Roon, you can't lift the magic veil!

Henchman 2: Breaking the code is strictly forbidden!

(Auntie Roon points her scepter to her henchmen to blast them)

Henchman 1: On the other hand, we're just minions. What do we know?

Henchman 2: Absolutely, fräulein. Knock yourself out.

(Auntie Roon continues to lift the magical veil with her scepter until it's completely broken and the children finally see Auntie Roon and start to scream as Ray Ray and Monroe are running while Auntie Roon cackles and the children continue screaming)

Auntie Roon: Am I right, or am I right? Much better when they can see you. Listen, you little brats! For reasons beyond my control at the time, you missed my big evil entrance... thing. And I'm getting too old to repeat myself, ya hear? But here's the condensed version: the party's over, you'll never see your friends and family again! (pause) Oh yeah, and there's no escape.

(The children start screaming and running around)

Auntie Roon: They never believe you. (uses her scepter to lock all the doors and exits)

(Juniper's bracelet starts glowing)

Juniper Lee: Uh-oh. (She feels a forcefield and tries to open the door, then tries to break the door open to no avail) Please tell me this isn't happening. (her bracelet glows again) Oh. Okay, okay! I get it! It's happening!

(The children desperately try to open all the doors, but are trapped inside)

Auntie Roon: Like I said, no escape! (to one half of her henchmen) Round up the food, I mean kids. (to the other half of her henchmen) And you, you big slices of heaven on toast, prepare the portal. (Cut to the roof where Juniper observes her) These meals are to go.

Juniper Lee: I thought that freak was banished! How'd she get out?

(Cut back to the inside of the mall where two of Auntie Roon's henchmen are chasing Jody, Ophelia and Roger, but they sprout wings and tails and one captures Ophelia while the other one captures Jody)

Ray Ray Lee: Whoa! Flying monkeys! Coo--! (Monroe grabs him by the shirt and hide behind a kiddie ride)

Auntie Roon: Hya! (kicking her fish's gills)

Fish: ¡Deja de patearme las branquias! Respiro fuera de allí. ("Stop kicking my gills! I breathe out of there.")

(The fish flies around while Auntie Roon uses her scepter to round all the children in the food court. Juniper uses magic dust to open a hole so she can jump back in)

Henchman 3: And we need to place these stones, setting up the nexus that will open the portal and suck those brats into oblivion.

Henchman 2: Ja, but the positions have to be geomantically synchronized for this whole thing to work. (flies off)

Henchman 4: Ooh, "geomantically". Look at Mr. $10 Vocabulary Word. (they fly off)

Juniper Lee: (witnessing the portal stones from behind a trash bin) Forget it, Auntie. No stinking portal's opening on my watch.

Stealing the Portal Stones

(One henchman places a portal stone in the perfume department, but Juniper steals it. Another one places another stone on a burger of a Boomfist mascot of a Boom Burger restaurant, but Juniper steals it. Another one places another stone on the hand of a mannequin, but Juniper steals it and briefly poses as the mannequin, but throws its arm at him and he starts fighting her. Cut to the children still being rounded up to the food court)

Jody Irwin: Do you see Roger or Ray Ray or Monroe?

Dennis Lee: Nope.

Ophelia Ramírez: Well at least June got out.

(Cut to Juniper fighting a few of Auntie Roon's henchmen in a department store until she gets thrown back up to the roof with them flying in hot pursuit. Cut to Auntie Roon still rounding up the children with her scepter)

Auntie Roon: (cackles) I love this game!

(The 10th level Warlock, pus goblin and antelope snake appear)

10th level Warlock: Yo Auntie, what's the holdup with the portal?

Pus Goblin: Yeah, we got a dinner party to feed.

Antelope Snake: And they're almost on with the shrimp cocktails!

Henchman 5: (flying up to Auntie Roon) Auntie Roon, we got trouble! Some little girl's stealing our portal stones!

Auntie Roon: Are you kidding me with this?! I gotta get this boon off my back! (sniffs) Good magic. Ugh, I can smell it. Stanley! Francine! Move your little butts! (They move out) Nobody messes with Auntie Roon! Ándele! (kicks her fish's gills)

Fish: (speaking Spanish indistinctly)

(Auntie Roon and her fish fly and she looks around and grins evilly as she blasts the kiddie ride with her scepter to reveal Ray Ray and Monroe hiding)

Auntie Roon: (to Monroe) You! Furball! I know you!

(Her fish uses his mouth to grab Ray Ray and Monroe)

Monroe: Ack! Unhand me, you festering sack of demonic anchovies!

Auntie Roon: You work for the Te Xuan Ze. And if memory serves, you're the one who put me out of commission for four centuries!

Monroe: Yeah, pity the years haven't been kinder to you, darling, huh? Ran out of sunscreen, did ya?

Auntie Roon: Why, you little hairy runt, I-- (sniffs) I smell a magical aura.

Ray Ray Lee: Hey! If anybody smells around here, it's him. He's got a stink that could peel paint.

Auntie Roon: (grabs Ray Ray by the shirt and holds her scepter aimed at his neck) Tell me where the real Te Xuan Ze is or the munchkin gets it!

(Monroe looks worriedly between the two of them)

(Commercial break)

Defeating Auntie Roon

Auntie Roon: Tell me where the real Te Xuan Ze is or the munchkin gets it!

Ray Ray Lee: Hey, who you calling munchkin? Hey, you got some major nose hair growth, did you know that? Seriously, it would take a machete or something.

(One of Auntie Roon's henchmen flies by, but Juniper gets on his back and rides him, sending him and another henchman to the roof)

Auntie Roon: Listen, you walking flea circus, tell me where the Te Xuan Ze is or I'm gonna fry this little pisher like a cannoli!

(Ray Ray and Monroe look at her confused)

Auntie Roon: Cannoli, it's an Italian pastry. Very popular in New York bakeries. (pause) What, no one eats out around here? Never mind. Just tell me!

Ray Ray Lee: AAAAHHH!! JUNE! JUNE!!!

(We pan up to the roof where Juniper is caught by four of Auntie Roon's henchmen when she hears Ray Ray's cry)

Ray Ray Lee: JUNE! JUNE!!!

Juniper Lee: (gasps) Ray Ray! (she kicks one henchman down, throws another off her into a third, and grabs the remaining one by the neck as he smiles nervously) Nobody hurts my little brother!

(She punches him as the scene rumbles)

Auntie Roon: What is that?!

Ray Ray Lee: That's my big sister, June! She's coming for ya, Auntie! And when she gets here, she's gonna kick your butt, and your fish's butt, too!

Fish: No TENGO trasero... chango. ("I don't HAVE a butt... you chimpanzee.")

(The sound of banging comes from the roof, which reveals to be Juniper breaking through the roof to confront Auntie Roon)

Ray Ray Lee: Yeah! Told ya.

Juniper Lee: Are you looking for me? Are you looking for me? You must be looking for me, because there's no other Te Xuan Ze around here.

Jody Irwin: Juniper?

Ophelia Ramírez: Um, okay, huh, très weird.

Auntie Roon: You're it? You're the protector, the big deal? No offense, darling, but I have gotten things stuck in my teeth that are bigger than you.

Juniper Lee: Wow, pretty tough talk for somebody straddling a guppy!

Monroe: Ooh, that's gotta leave a mark!

Juniper Lee: Hey, grandma, these belong to you? (holds the portal stones) You want 'em, come take 'em!

(She and Auntie Roon face off outside the food court, they fight until Juniper kicks Auntie Roon. Juniper gets into fighting stance. The 10th level warlock, the pus goblin and the antelope snake retreat as Auntie Roon uses her scepter to summon the same purple lizard-type monster Juniper's ancestor fought to take her down. She punches it in the stomach and then the chin, but it knocks her down with its tail as Jody, Ophelia and Roger watch in horror. As the monster is about to finish her off, Monroe appears with another magic golden discus)

Auntie Roon: Again with the dog!

(Monroe throws the discus into its mouth, causing the discus to once again shoot beams from the monster's body.)

Auntie Roon: Oh, boy. (snaps her fingers to summon her fish and jumps on his back in an attempt to once again escape, but the beams turn into a portal to once again banish her)

Monroe: Heh-heh! Never fails! The old bird falls for the same trick every 400 years!

(The 10th level warlock, pus goblin and antelope snake attempt to escape, but Jasmine, in her hockey gear, arrives and opens the door on them as the portal banishes Auntie Roon, her fish and her henchmen)

Auntie Roon: I'll get you, Te Xuan Ze, and your little dog, too!

(The portal disappears as the children, including Jody, Ophelia and Roger, cheer on Juniper for her heroism)

Jody Irwin: That was amazing! You're like a superhero or something!

Ophelia Ramírez: Okay, stop it, hello? That was, like, totally out of control!

Juniper Lee: Really?

Roger Radcliffe: I am your humble servant, O Great One.

(Juniper smiles)

Jasmine Lee: Juniper.

Juniper Lee: (turns to see Jasmine behind her) Ah-Mah, it wasn't my fault, really. Auntie Roon lifted the veil.

Jasmine Lee: I know.

Juniper Lee: But hey, now that this whole cone of silence thing is gone, well, there's nothing we can do about it, right? But maybe it's better that way. I mean I've always wanted to tell everybody what I do (Jasmine sighs) and why do I have to be so weird all the time, but, well, now that they know, Ah-Mah, they think it's really cool, and they think I'm cool, and... (sees Jasmine sadly) What?

Jasmine Lee: We have to take it back.

Juniper Lee: But why? I don't understand. Why can't we just leave things the way they are?

Jasmine Lee: Because the world of humanity is forbidden from knowing the world of magic.

Juniper Lee: Please, Ah-Mah? It's what I want. I'd be happier this way. I would.

Jasmine Lee: I know, but it must be done.

Juniper Lee: (thinks about it for a second) What do we do now?

Jasmine Lee: Summon the Elders.

(They uses two crystals to summon the Magical Elders to undo the broken magical veil, rewinding the epsiode back to the basement to the moment where the girls are listening to Ambiguous Angst on the radio)

Dennis Lee: (walks over to Ray Ray and Roger playing the Boomfist video game) Yo, losers! What are you, like, honorary chicks or something? I mean, why don't you guys just put on a couple of dresses and call it a night!

Juniper Lee: It's like déjà vu.

Ray Ray Lee: All over again, dude. Oh, it's my line. Dude, you got some issues, you know that?

Dennis Lee: Whatever. Shut up. (leaves as Monroe stares in confusion)

Announcer: And that was the title track off the latest CD by Ambiguous Angst, which goes on sale toni-- (Juniper turns off the radio)

Juniper Lee: Hey, guys, you, uh, wanna watch a movie on pay-per-view?

Jody Irwin: Great!

Ophelia Ramírez: Why not?

Roger Radcliffe: They got anything with Angelina Jolie? That hot mama kicks butt!

(Juniper and Ray Ray look around their friends and Juniper smiles, thanks to the Magical Elders' re-do)

Epilogue: Auntie Roon's Banishment

(We are shown at Banishment Court)

Banishment Court Prosecutor: Banishment Court is now in session. All rise for the honorable Judge Razilnick.

(Judge Razilnick appears on her bench)

Judge Razilnick: For crimes against both human and magical worlds, I sentence the defendants to life on a farm! (bangs her gavel)

Auntie Roon: Wait.

10th level Warlock: Farm?

Pus Goblin: But that's code for--

(Auntie Roon, her fish, her henchmen, the 10th level warlock, the pus goblin and the antelope snake are magically transported to an actual farm)

10th level Warlock: Evidently, "farm" was actually a code for--

Auntie Roon: Farm. Frankly, I would rather have been eaten.

(Episode ends)